Jon Stewart Gives Congress the Herpes Treatment

Jon Stewart Gives Congress the Herpes Treatment


Congress is about as popular as the herpes infection, a sexually transmitted disease that affects many people and has a bad stigma attached to it, so Jon Stewart decided to give Congress some treatment, just like the STD would receive. Almost like lancing a boil, Stewart attacked the new 114th Congress with a laundry list of its own stigmas, including laziness, age and a special appearance by the Klu Klux Klan. All in all, it was easy to see why herpes is more popular than the highest legislative body in the United States.

After a long Christmas break, Congress is back for its first day in session and they were unexpectedly eager to get back to work. Meaning that they decided to start on a Tuesday and only in the middle of the day. Stewart excoriated the politicians for their laziness, commenting that perhaps they should be served “legislation in bed.” He even took up the theme that Congress was lazier than The Daily Show employees, saying that “even we came back on Monday and we’re so lazy…” Well, they were so lazy they did not bother to finish writing that sentence and he was too lazy to walk upstairs and fire them. At the very least, they could be thankful that no one was sworn in on a Koran and they avoided enacting Sharia law in Congress for another year.

While he was listing all the small favors that no one was really thankful for, Stewart also noted that the new Republican controlled Congress would probably have a few big ticket goals for the rest of the year. Right off the bat, the new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell offered a soundbite on his goals. Basically, he wanted Republicans not to be “scary.” The famous turtle of Congress, who is about as scary as an actual turtle, was the butt of Stewart’s joke and it brought the expected laughs that any joke about McConnell does.

Much like herpes, the new Republican controlled Congress does have its scary side to it, but Stewart gave the new leadership the kind of treatment reserved for the inexperienced. The new Senate chairmen of various committees are all “new blood” and Stewart had a field day going through their names. From John McCain to James Inhofe, they were all very old whipper-snappers. The youngest of this “new blood” was in his late 70s, but the Daily Show optimistically took the line that even old men can have fresh ideas. Then Inhofe, the new environment chair, had to come in and spoil it by spouting the tired conservative line that global warming is a big hoax. But he doubled-down on that old idea, calling it “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.” So much for that new blood.

One more reason why herpes is more popular than Congress was the story of Steve Scalise and his connections to a racist hate group. While Scalise disavows any knowledge of the organization he once spoke to and maintains that he is not racist himself, Stewart pointed out that it is hard to believe he did not know. Not only is the group helmed by David Duke, a known racist, but it is considered one of the top hate groups in America, a ranking he quipped was awarded by “J.D. White Power and Associates.”

The only person who might be able to cure Congress of its herpes-fuelled unpopularity might be President Obama. The veto pen could be his antibiotic that prevents the spread of such a terrible disease, but so far he has used that treatment sparingly. According to reporters, President Obama has used his power of veto less than only one other President, James Garfield, who was shot while in office after only a few months. Jon Stewart’s segment may have left many hoping that Obama will be less sparing of his treatment option for the herpes Congress.

Opinin By Lydia Bradbury


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