In nine years of his show, Stephen Colbert has to admit that he has failed at a few things, namely fixing Congress. But a surprising group has succeeded where he failed: Nazis. A bill to end social security payments for suspected Nazis living in America passed Congress unanimously. The bill aptly called the “No Social Security for Nazis Act” brought the notoriously divided and stagnant United States Congress together just long enough to do something. After this news, Stephen Colbert thanked Nazis for uniting Congress and finally doing something good for the world.
The problem of Nazis living in America has a long history. As Vox reported on Wednesday, suspected Nazis have lived in America for years. Apparently, they were able to strike a deal with the United States Justice Department which allowed them to leave the country voluntarily and still receive social security benefits from the government. Part of the reason the Justice Department made this deal was because it couldn’t put suspected Nazis on trial due to complications of jurisdiction and the fact that they had not actually broken any American laws. In addition, many suspected Nazis have died while waiting to hear if they were to be deported or charged. World War 2 was over sixty years ago and anyone who fought then or lived then is reaching the end of their life span or have already passed on. So with all these difficulties, America has allowed suspected Nazis to live within its borders and draw social security because doing anything else was too hard. Basically.
The “No Social Security for Nazis Act” fixes that problem, but perhaps more importantly (depending on whether one thinks Nazis or Congress is a worse problem) it seems to have fixed the problem of Congressional gridlock. As Colbert noted on his show, this bill was the most popular one in Congress since the “No pre-K for the KKK” bill. It was so popular, in fact, that every Congressman wanted to be its friend, so they all voted to make it prom king. The bill passed into law by a unanimous vote proving that Nazis are the great uniters of American politics.
For this simple reason, Stephen Colbert had to give credit where credit is due and thank the Nazis for doing such a service to the country. At the risk of giving more ammunition to people who hate him, The Colbert Report host stared directly into the camera and said, “Thank you, Nazis.” They did what neither potatoes nor tomatoes were able to do for Congress. As he pointed out, “Democrats say tomato, Republicans say, ‘Leave John Boehner alone.'” With that kind of partisan disagreement on the loose, no progress is possible for the country’s legislative body.
This segment was perfect for the times. The absolute ridiculousness of partisanship in Washington was on full display, not because of gridlock, but because the only thing Congress could agree on was that Nazis are bad. That has been an historical axiom since World War 2 ended. It should not have taken something like this to make Congress do its job. After all, there are important things like passing budgets, taking care of the troops and making sure that necessary laws are passed in a timely matter. But none of that matters, which is why Stephen Colbert had to thank suspected Nazis for uniting the American Congress and being possibly the only reason why it would ever do its actual job.
Opinion By Lydia Bradbury