America’s most trusted fake news shows were back on Monday night covering the night before the most important night of 2014: the midterm election day. Both hosts seemed overjoyed at the prospect of finally getting the midterms over and done with because they honestly are so sick of the entire thing that it will be a relief just to see it done. Neither Colbert nor Stewart seemed overly excited about the elections, though both will be hosting a live program on Tuesday night centering around the election. They seemed to be tapping into the apathy that many people feel about this midterm season. Nevertheless, they found a way to combat the boredom and give the nation a small pick-me-up before the serious business of voting began. That and more is ahead on Slate Night TV’s November 3 recap.
The Colbert Report
The Conservative satirist began The Colbert Report by talking about the midterms or, as he called them, “Midterms ‘014: An Exciting Thing That I am Totally Interested In ‘014.” According to him, the midterm season has gone on long enough for all the politicians to say what they want to say and to walk back all that they regret saying. Right now, the greatest challenge facing the candidates is getting American voters to get off the couch and put pants on. Many of their “get out the vote” efforts have tried to motivate people, but those efforts rely on people actually having “a crap to give.” Much like Colbert himself, no one really does have one of those.
Next, Colbert moved on to the popular segment “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger” where all the stories earned wags of his expert wagging-finger. First up was Switzerland whose cafes have been offering customers creamer pots with a picture of Hitler on them. Because the creamer caps are considered collectors items, this caused some uproar, prompting Colbert to celebrate Switzerland finally having an opinion on Hitler. The next wag went to Apple CEO Tim Cook, who recently came out as gay. The show’s host commented that now being gay looked so sleek and cool now that he really wanted it for himself. But he decided to wait because in six months, the company would release an even gayer version. The last wag of Colbert’s finger went to the Canadians at the University of Montreal who have been researching the connection between lots of sex and reduced risk of prostate cancer. If men do not have recourse to lots of sex, obviously they might need a prostate-tute. Colbert completely agreed with this “treatment,” but he wagged his finger at the researchers who had refused to provide a prescription for manwhoring.
After a truly magical segment on the golden age of cake and Disney, Stephen Colbert interviewed MSNBC’s Chuck Todd, the new host of “Meet the Press.” Todd is also the author of The Stranger: Barack Obama in the White House, who also happens to be the main issue of the midterm elections. Todd noted that if (or when) the Democrats lose the election, the fact that they did not support the president’s successes in their campaigns will be the cause of it. He also gave a few predictions on the results of the election, saying that if pundits and observers we able to call the election by 11:30 PM, that would mean that Republicans won big. But he cautioned the Colbert Nation that many races could go into run-off mode or even recount and court challenge mode, meaning that it might be January 2015 before the true results are known.
The Daily Show
Next up on Slate Night TV’s recap of Comedy Central’s excellent news broadcasting in November 3’s The Daily Show where inimitable host Jon Stewart looked back at some of the campaign ads from the election season. In the segment “Democaplypse 2014: Come On, Republicans! Just Go Ahead and Take OVer Already!” he talked about the different tactics the Republicans have used against their opponents, notably statesmanship. Or at least the statesmanship that goes into fear mongering over ISIS and Ebola. Basically, it was a “Vote for us or get beheaded while pooping Ebola.” But in case that did not work, the GOP had a back-up plan: voter ID laws. Stewart pointed out that it was a good plan, especially in Texas where around 600,000 people will be prevented from voting and about 300,000 will be forced to such an inconvenience to get ID that they might not vote as well. The only flaw in the plan was that Texas has only had two cases of voter fraud since 2002. With a little math, that ends up being 0.0000001 percent of the 20 million votes cast in Texas during that interval. According to REpublicans, it is all about protecting the “sacred duty” of voting, but it could also be part of their sacred duty to swing elections in their favor.
Despite the looming end of campaign ad season, Stewart was feeling a little wistful about the whole thing, so he decided to give his audience a little taste of the best of 2014’s campaign. The McConnell ad that was like an art piece, the Florida “ballf an” incident, and Joni Ernst’s “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm” commercial. “You had me at castration,” Stewart said. But one of the best moments was the previous night’s debate between the candidates for Connecticut governor. The issue was boat names and the appropriateness thereof. The Republican candidate’s boat was named “Odalisque,” which is apparently a name for a female sex slave. But, Stewart pointed out, the Democrat’s boat was named “Sapphire,” the single most common stripper name ever. No one would come out looking good, but maybe if they had listened to Jon Stewart and named their boat “S.S. Anonymous Whore” it all would have been alright.
Finally, the show wrapped up with something even creepier than Joni Ernst’s pig castration ad: an interview with Nightcrawler star Jake Gyllenhaal. Gyllenhaal is gaining critical acclaim for his turn as a sociopathic media man in what is currently the number one movie in the country. The big-time star apparently earned that buzz by not blinking for a month and a half during filming, in addition to eating a lot of kale. According to him, he was “gaseous and creepy” through the entire job. The two men ended the interview by talking about the variety of psychopathic roles in film. Gyllenhaal thanked Stewart for being his sociopathic muse on the film. Judging from Stewart’s love of the pig castration commercial, Slate Night TV is willing to bet that Gyllenhaal made a good call in doing so.
Opinion By Lydia Bradbury